150. Warp and Weft

ROBBIE'S NOTE

At last, the "third season" of the Magic Quill has come to a much-delayed close. The time is ripe for another 50-chapter digest. If you've tuned in late, it may also help to read these capsule summaries of the first and second seasons, as well as this handy guide to the characters in the first 100 chapters. The real pleasure is in the details, though. It pays to read all the chapters in full!

A lot has changed for the Magic Quill. When this column started in May 2004, readers were invited to send me their story ideas through the MuggleNet feedback system. This proved to be too open-ended, even with a 150-word limit. As of Chapter 73, this changed to submitting answers to specific survey and contest questions, via the Chamber of Secrets forums. As recently as Chapter 145, things changed again with the arrival of the Magic Quill blog, where survey and contest answers can be submitted as comments.

I would like to hear from you about which method of participating in The Magic Quill works best for you. For now, either leave a comment or send me feedback through MuggleNet, indicating whether you would prefer to work through the blog, CoS, or MuggleNet feedback. Perhaps having all these options available will prove to be best, but for now it's nice to be able to find all the readers' responses in one place.

Above all, I appeal to everyone reading this to do their part to help The Magic Quill make it to Chapter 200. Simply share your brief ideas in response to each week's Double Challenge, by whatever method works best for you. And now, without any more mucking about, let's review what happened in Season Three...

CHAPTERS 101-104. In "Eulogy for a Dark Wizard," we learn of the death of Vold-Mart's founding villain, the ravenous Uncle or Aunt Leslie, plus some colorful details of his or her background. Totally obsessed fans may remember that Leslie's last name, revealed in this chapter, changed shortly after it was first published. The reason? The name I originally came up with proved to be religiously offensive. We at the Magic Quill are all about pushing the boundaries! "The Drains" showed us where our friend Harvey lives, as his friends from the back parlor of the Hog's Head help him move several barrels of dragon bogeys into his flat. You might notice that this chapter takes place during the Scrimgeour ministry. Harvey continues his preparations to drink the Essence of Merlin in "From the Weasley-Wheeze Press," a chapter filled with adverts for joke items. In "Vitis Leprosa" Harvey tests his potion for living backward in time on one of Miles O'Roughage's trees.

CHAPTERS 105-109. "What's the Rest of Me Doing There?" reveals the trouble Spanky's son has adjusting to no longer being able to turn parts of his body invisible. It also introduces the idea of a magical scavenger hunt which, for some reason, never came up again. In the next chapter, Harvey has "Tea with Il Comte," in what starts out as a very civilized wizard's duel and ends with the discovery that his travels through time have (will?) split Harvey into two people. Merlin resumes his account of his and Rigel's escape from Gringotts in "The Ossuaries," in which a goblin graveyard raises the hopes of Merlin's party. They get as far as "The Final Causeway" in the next chapter - which is their last stop before rushing through the ground floor of the bank in "Murder on the Hogwarts Express."

CHAPTERS 110-114. In "Refilling the Ink Pot," readers responded to the question of how much longer the Magic Quill should continue. It is now only a few weeks since we fulfilled our commitment to write at least 36 more chapters together. Everything from here on is gravy! "An Elopement Postponed" continues the story of how Spanky and Ilona started their family, which involved overcoming her little problem of being invisible to everyone but him. Their first assignment as a couple is to guard Sir Lionel's gardens, which are threatened by a magical saboteur. The clues lead Spanky to a duel with "The Savage Noble," otherwise known as Sid Shmedly. The question becomes: How did Shmedly become immune to jinxes? Next, an anonymous tip leads Spanky to visit "Full Moon Kennel," sort of a Club Med for werewolves, and our introduction to the silver-dagger-making Goode Brothers. The Potters turn up at Sir Lionel's in "The Unusual Suspects," which also includes a letter from Horace Slughorn on the question of what makes Shmedly spell-proof.

CHAPTERS 115-119. Spanky wears Harry Potter's invisibility cloak in "The Day of Five Puzzles," in which an entire team of RMB agents goes missing, a house-elf gets a poignant death scene (mind you, this was before Deathly Hallows!), and a trail of clues points toward a finishing school for hags. We get a look at the perspectus for Madam Hunsicker's Academy in "Home Wiccanomics," where the school motto means "The spiders are watching you." Spanky questions Madam Hunsicker herself in "Two If By Biscuit," until a cherubic villain named Minimilian appears. This story is interrupted by "Laughing Matter," Bo Dwyer's report of the wedding of Erastus Sidwell and Doreen Pinch - better known to us as Merlin and Endora. This chapter reunited so many members of TMQ's cast that there wasn't room to include blog labels for all of them, so if you sense a gap in the history of your favorite character, it may be here. Spanky's boyhood nemesis comes to a sticky end in "Farewell to Shmedly," where Minimilian claims Spanky has something that belongs to him.

CHAPTERS 120-124. In "The Safety Pin" Minimilian proves to be as stupid as villains usually are when he goes off to play golf while Spanky considers his offer. This gives Ilona a chance, in "Madrigal Unchained," to explain the history of the ring of Count Matthias. Minimilian is last seen running-flat out with a hungry hag at his heels. Between this chapter and "Mr. Exion's Daughters," Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released. That book changed a lot of things for the Magic Quill, starting as Spanky wakes up from the Battle of Hogwarts and finds himself serving as the guinea pig in a diabolical experiment. The fallout from Book 7 continues in "The Care and Feeding of MIADs," as an indoor rainstorm in Hogwarts' Great Hall leads Joe Albuquerque to realize that one of his friends is in grave danger. We meet RMB Agent Caspar Dalrymple in "The Eyes Have It," when an interrogation of a magical swindler holds the key to saving Spanky from a terrible fate.

CHAPTERS 125-129. While Sadie enjoys a magical advice column called "Ask Fran Sanders," her cellmate comes closer to recovering a missing object of unguessed-at power. The cavalry comes for Spanky just in time to save him from "The Platypus Test," but not soon enough to prevent the Exion Sisters leaving an unseen mark on him. "Oldmanson and Son" meet at Vold-Mart ("FEWER CURSES. MORE DAMAGE"), but one of them isn't what he seems. When "Vivis Exion" meets Spanky, by chance, in the potion abuse ward at St. Mungo's, she tries to avenge her nieces on him, only to be avenged for what they did to Spanky. Rigel's captors immure him in "The Crystal Cave," where he meets a strange-talking figure in the darkness.

CHAPTERS 130-134. Harvey and Spanky undergo group therapy together in "Wish Wash," where we learn a lot about the dangers of potion abuse. Meanwhile, Rigel and the other Harvey start trying to round up help for a raid on the Drains in "Scratching Post." In "Harvey Face to Face," the two Harveys meet again in another group therapy session. Miles O'Roughage gets recruited to join the raid while dealing with one of the Ministry's pettiest bureaucrats, "Titus Fistley." Harvey's plan, in the making since Chapter 7, finally comes off when he extorts the largest fortune in magical history from the man who knows how to make "Hot Ice." But even that is only the first step in his Grand Plan...about which we still know nothing.

CHAPTERS 135-139. Sadie puts her catfish-burglar skills to good use in "The Spy Who Jinxed Me," but a young master of disguise named Chat Noir gets to the ring of Count Matthias first. Noir then uses the ring to obtain a deadly potion from "Fistley Confunded." Working with Joe Albuquerque, Sadie follows Noir to the secret lair of Uncle or Aunt Leslie, who is not only surprisingly alive but planning to unleash "Death by Aromatherapy." Next, we flash back to a Las Vegas casino, where a meeting of two masters of disguise leads to the duel of wits known as "Elvis vs. Einstein." More disguises, booby-traps, and a house on chicken's feet complicate the plot in "Don't Kid a Kidder" so much that it doesn't really make sense if you think about it. Oops!

CHAPTERS 140-144. "Persephone's Yak" launches Spanky on a new trail of clues, beginning when his daughter finds a dead beast under her bed. This somehow connects with an unsolved murder and the Goode Brothers' silver daggers, which just goes to show my way of treating loose threads from earlier chapters. Why tie them up neatly? Why not follow them and see where they lead? Meanwhile, our Merlin begins a new quest with "The Gift-Giving," when the clown wizards hire him to prove that Il Comte has something that belongs to the goblins. (Let's call this "Thread A" for now.) Spanky's investigation ("Thread B") leads him to the sitting room of "Madam Solfeggia," who proves that music really does soothe the savage beast, or breast, or whatever. Sadie ("Thread C") watches "Enormity in Action" - which is to say, a duel between Il Comte and Uncle or Aunt Leslie. And Spanky goes to remarkable lengths to question the magical world's most secretive merchant, Julian Cribble - a.k.a. "Jude the Insecure."

CHAPTERS 145-149. Bo Dwyer reports on "The Hexischoleiad," giving us our first hint about Thread A since Il Comte stuck Merlin into a cage. Merlin summons Rigel to a vault deep under the canals of Venice, mainly to help him distract "The Merhags." "The Hexischoleiad, Part 2" hints that Il Comte plans to use the ring of Count Matthias to go into politics. Eventually we find Ilona investigating a new mystery ("Thread D"?), or perhaps the point where all the other threads come together. Sadie, meanwhile, grabs the ring of Count Matthias from under the noses of Il Comte, Chat Noir, and Uncle or Aunt Leslie and runs for it, only to find herself trapped "Between the Lines" of a piece of paperwork. Finally, in "The Fruit Troll" Spanky sniffs his way to his old hometown, where Sir Lionel Niblet's disappearance compounds the mystery that started with a dead yak in a child's bedroom.

Got all that? Great! Now you're ready to take part in our...

+++ DOUBLE CHALLENGE FOR TMQ #152+++

You can help decide what happens next in The Magic Quill! Simply leave a brief comment (up to 150 words) answering the following Survey and Contest. The survey answer with the most votes, and the contest answer that Robbie likes best, will turn up in the chapter after next. [EDIT: This discussion is now closed.]

SURVEY: The shiny object found inside the falcon figurine at the end of Chapter 147 means: A) The figurine is a fake, since the real one is unbreakable. B) Il Comte is planning something even worse than what Uncle or Aunt Leslie would have done with the ring. C) The makers of the falcon planned for it to open at a time when the object inside would be needed. D) The makers of the figurine designed it to open only at the touch of a certain future person.

CONTEST: Describe a piece of clothing with helpful magical properties.

100. What's What

Back in TMQ #50, we reviewed the plot lines of the “first season” of The Magic Quill. That time has come again – though perhaps belatedly. So let us pick up where No. 50 left off, and take a nostalgic look at “What’s What” in TMQ Nos. 51 to 100...

51. “Tricycle Treadmarks” – We find out what happened to Mr. Weasley’s Anglia and Sirius Black’s motorcycle.

52. “Smart Food” – Miles O’Roughage invents a food that always tastes like what you want to eat...but it has a gruesome side effect.

53. “Locating Ilona, Part One” – Spanky witnesses the birth of Harry Potter...just as the Death Eaters have Godric’s Hollow surrounded.

54. “Locating Ilona, Part Two” – In the middle of a Death Eater siege on Godric’s Hollow, Spanky finds his missing fiancee.

55. “The Cloak of Visibility” – Sadie questions Spanky’s loyalty to the storytelling circle...and Merlin and Rigel find a flicker of hope in the darkest Pit of Gringotts.

56. “The Breath-Ants” – Merlin and Rigel try the first of seven tunnels out of the Pit – and find nothing but a swarm of life-stealing bugs.

57. “The Boatman and the Dragon” – Rigel decides to give up and die, but Merlin forces him to march on...into the clutches of a madman and a sleeping dragon’s lair.

58. “Locking and Loading” – Rigel and Merlin arm themselves to fight the dragon, using products of other fantasy worlds courtesy of “Out of This World Surplus Outfitters.”

59. “The Attack of the Nifflers” – What could be more dangerous: an angry dragon, or 100 playful, cuddly nifflers?

60. “In Memoriam A.P.W.B.D.” – First known to many of you as “[Spoiler Warning]” – The Phoenix Lament interrupts Merlin’s tale, and everyone goes home to mourn a great man’s passing.

61. “A Chat with Ed, Ned, and Tip” – Bo Dwyer kicks off his new WWN program with an interview of Nasal Drip, Britain’s most obnoxious “cauldron punk” trio.

62. “Waiting to Disapparate” – Spanky and Ilona worry about their half-invisible children...Merlin and Rigel find out what happened to skydiving robber D.B. Cooper.

63. “The Tunnel of Boggarts” – After rescuing the Durmstrang lads from a goblin snack bar, Merlin and Rigel encounter a boggart breeding ground.

64. “Boggart In My Pocket” – Merlin and Rigel face their worst fears before falling into the claws of the goblins again.

65. “Hiking, Birdwatching and Wandmaking, Part One” – Another trip to the Pit leads Merlin & Co. to an underground wand tree preserve and bird sanctuary.

66. “Hiking, Birdwatching and Wandmaking, Part Two” – The Merlin Party ekes a living from a nature preserve in the depths of Gringotts, while trying to make their own wands – only what will they ever use for wand cores?

67. “Under the Sic-’em-more” – Encounters with a feisty leprechaun, an augurey and a relative of the Whomping Willow bring Merlin and Rigel closer to escaping from Gringotts.

68. “A Wet Spell” – Side effects of using an augurey feather as a wand core spill over a gruesome monument to a vampire.

69. “Concept Brooms” – Bo Dwyer prolongs the suspense of #68’s cliff-hanger by prattling on about novelty broomsticks.

70. “The Rescue” – The rescuers become the rescued after Rigel falls into a fountain of blood.

71. “The Time Vault” – Rigel’s Hand of Glory leads the party to a mysteriously unlocked vault where time is saved...but can they steal it?

72. “The Yesterday Pill” – Rigel’s impulsive attempt to go back in time to escape Gringotts backfires, relegating him to a second childhood.

73. “Wine, Clowns and Song” – Merlin & Co. receive a shock when the goblins put them back in Il Comte’s vault, and the clowns reveal that they have all jumped FORWARD in time. [By the way, this is where the first Double Challenge appeared.]

74. “Il Comte di Bestemmia” – A deal with a genie sweeps Merlin and his party into a dangerous confrontation with the self-adoring Comte di Bestemmia.

75. “Mammali Enemectus” – Il Comte gets the first of many unpleasant lessons from Merlin and friends, when a horde of chipmunks attacks! Will he ever learn?

76. “The Stupid Stick” – Il Comte and Merlin face each other in a duel, armed with branches of the fabled ugly tree and, yes, the stupid tree.

77. “Lilly Grate” – Mime wizard Boccachiusa saves Merlin’s bacon with a handful of dream dust...before an ill-considered wish lands the party back in Gringotts.

78. “The Thestramule” – An unknown burglar steals a Dumbledore family heirloom from the Hog’s Head, and Merlin rushes off in pursuit.

79. “A Break for Bestsellers” – Cicero Pica reviews the Top 10 books on the Daily Prophet’s Nonfiction List.

80. “The Thief’s Tale” – While waiting in St. Mungo’s for word of Merlin’s condition, Harvey’s circle discovers that the item stolen from the Hog’s Head was a special timepiece.

81. “The Catfish Burglar” – Sadie describes the burglary job that made her first fortune.

82. “The Catfish Burglar, Part Two” – Merlin, selling a home security system, has a chance to stop Sadie stealing a rare herb.

83. “The Bogley Squint Ward” – Rigel and Merlin are reunited in a St. Mungo’s ward full of the victims of spell damage.

84. “The Godfather Clock” – Rigel hopes to cure Merlin’s fox pox by giving him a “food tasters’ friend.”

85. “Head Quidditch” – Orion Oldmanson tells some of his son’s backstory, including the invention of a lucrative sport played by ghosts.

86. “The Literalis Curse” – A disaster in the Bogley Squint Ward leads to the discovery that Il Comte is back and coming after Merlin and his friends.

87. “The Wall That Wasn’t There” – Merlin compresses the rest of his escape from Gringotts into a brief vignette, revealing the door the circle needs to enter Gringotts...and Harvey has the key.

88. “Mother Goosed” – Joe Albuquerque saves the clown wizards from Il Comte.

89. “The Eyedropper Banquet” – Endora warns Karl and his wife Heidi about Il Comte, and uses her gifts to obtain provisions for the bank heist.

90. “Grim Prospekt” – Sadie rescues the body art wizard Anatoly and his illustrated man Friday from Il Comte.

91. “The Wandwright” – Spanky and family warn Jaan the wand maker about Il Comte, and then collect some unusual wands for their upcoming bank heist.

92. “The Last Recruit” – Slavik takes a leave of absence from Durmstrang to tell Harvey his plan for breaking into Gringotts – but they have to do it NOW!

93. “The Rheosaurus Diversion” – Joe, Slavik, Rigel and the Spankison children distract the goblins while the real break-in goes on.

94. “How to Break Into Gringotts” – The goblins try to figure out who done it, but they obviously haven’t read Conan Doyle.

95. “Spoof and the Carpet” – Due to a small hitch in their diversionary plan, Joe and his young helpers are delayed in getting out of Gringotts.

96. “Britannin” – The real target of Harvey’s big heist turns out to be 28 barrels of dragon bogeys...but why?

97. “Bashmace and Ripsnarl” – Joe and Rigel make good their escape from Gringotts, by way of the biggest document-shredding operation in the wizarding world.

98. “Essence of Merlin” – Harvey’s mysterious purpose in planning the theft of wine, potions and dragon phlegm from a dead man’s vault begins to come clear when he proposes the toast: “To living backwards in time!”

99. “Who’s Who” – This is the chapter to bookmark if you have trouble telling one TMQ character from another, or if you want a quick guide for catching up on a character’s backstory.

100. “What’s What” – And that’s that.

+++ BONUS STUFF +++

Here are the answers to last week’s March of Galleons TMQ Trivia Challenge:

1. GROGGY
2. MRS. FIDDLING
3. VESPER & JUDE THE INSECURE
4. NIGEL
5. MANGEFORD & LIONEL NIBLET
6. JUGSHARD THE PECKISH
7. SPANKISON, CRINKLE & RUFF or SHMEDLY, LOBSTER & QUADRILLE
8. EXTERMINATE THE HUNGRY FOUNDATION
9. IOVANESCU
10. TED MURGATROYD
11. THE DROWNED MAN
12. ABIGAIL SCUDDER
13. IPHIGENIA CROWE
14. ELVIS JACKSTEEN
15. DANDELIONEL ETHELBALDRICSON
16. VLADIKA LUKAVIJ
17. UNDERGRIM THE UNSAVORY

And now, the first DOUBLE CHALLENGE of season three!

To send Robbie your personal feedback or original ideas, visit the Feedback Form [EDIT: Rather, leave a Comment]. To vote in the Survey and Contest to determine what happens in the Chapter-After-Next, visit the Discussion Forum [EDIT: This discussion is closed].

SURVEY: Whoever drinks the Essence of Merlin potion will end up living backwards in time. Which character will it be? (A) Harvey. (B) our Merlin. (C) Tip. (D) Other: ____.

CONTEST: You’re at a Hogwarts Alumni Reunion and you run into your year’s Yule Ball king or queen. You’re surprised to find out that he or she has an unglamorous, rather sad, magic-related job. What is it?

The Survey answer that gets the most votes, and the Contest entry that Robbie likes the most, will be featured in Magic Quill #102. So be sure to visit our Discussion Thread – and if you aren’t a member of COS Forums, join today!

[Originally posted 8/27/06]

99. Who's Who

Now that “Season Two” of the Magic Quill is in the can (or rather, the Archive), it behooves us to take stock of where our cast of characters has been, and what they have done. The quiz at the end is for you to enjoy and discuss on the Forums; answers will be revealed next week.

HARVEY is more or less the host of the group of storytellers that has been meeting in the back parlor of the Hog’s Head for over two years now. There is a purpose behind this loose collection of narratives. Harvey wants to draw on the unique skills and background of each of the people in this hand-picked group. His plan: to break into Gringotts Wizarding Bank to steal something very special from the Vault of Yves the Leper. So far, Harvey’s storyline is still pretty thin, though he has appeared regularly since TMQ #7. You can pick up his thread especially in Nos. 60, 87, 97, and 98.

SPANKY, who first appeared as a mysterious cloaked wizard with a hood-shadowed face, had a big knife and an equally big air of menace. Eventually he turned out to be an agent of the Rogue Magic Bureau who, for reasons of his own, does not even bother to stay “undercover” among Harvey’s chosen band of would-be bank robbers. Spanky’s story, which is far from finished, dominated the earlier chapters of the Magic Quill before giving way, more and more, to Merlin’s tale. However, you can thrill to the story of this ambidextrous master of wizard duels, a.k.a. the “Double-Barreled Wizard,” in TMQ Nos. 1, 5, 7-8, 10-20, 22-27, 30, 40-44, 51-55, 62, 91, 96, and 98.

ILONA, Spanky’s life partner and mother of his sometimes-visible children, can only be seen by Spanky due to a genie’s curse visited on her by Spanky’s great enemy, Sid Shmedly. Ilona’ storyline is closely tied with Spanky’s, but you see the most of her in TMQ Nos. 11, 17, 25-27, 40, 53-55, 62, 91, and 98. Their children, named ALOYSIUS, ETHELFRIGGA, MARMADUKE, PERSEPHONE and BOB, can also be seen in TMQ Nos. 62, 91, 93, 95, and 97-98.

JOE ALBUQUERQUE, American wizard detective and master of disguise, has not yet revealed much about himself. However, he does figure in some of Spanky’s stories, particularly the Bette Noir saga. See TMQ Nos. 11, 13-16, 29-30, 88, 93, 95, and 97.

ENDORA, a witch who has stayed invisible most of the time, is the character we know the least about. What we do know mostly has to do with her rather large and amazingly accurate nose. Also, a relationship seems to be developing between Endora and Merlin. See TMQ Nos. 1, 78, 80, 89, 96, and 98.

SADIE is a pipe-smoking, hairy-legged, gravelly voiced, veiled witch with some eccentric ideas about property ownership (remind you of anyone?). At first the resemblance to Mundungus Fletcher was so strong that I wasn’t sure Sadie was a witch. But now that she has been seen without her veil, I guess we can all laugh that off and save our gender-identification anxiety for the bits featuring Uncle or Auntie Leslie. For some tales involving Sadie’s shady dealings, especially with an ethically challenged herbologist named MILES O’ROUGHAGE, see TMQ Nos. 1, 4, 7, 17, 52, 81-82, and 90.

MERLIN has evolved from a rough-spoken figure in an invisibility cloak to a silly-mask-wearing adventurer and wizard-of-fortune. His exploits, ranging from athletic competitions to lighthearted pranks to a 7-year-4-month-22-day ordeal in the bowels of Gringotts Bank, have gradually become the backbone of the Magic Quill. Follow the Merlin thread through TMQ Nos. 1, 9, 21, 31-33, 38-39, 46-49, 55-59, 63-68, 70-78, 82-84, and 86-87.

RIGEL is one of the wizards who shared Merlin’s ordeal in Gringotts, and the one who grew closest to Merlin in the process. For the record, the other wizards who helped Merlin in his escape included ANATOLY (the body art wizard), SLAVIK (now a Defensive Magic teacher at Durmstrang), KARL (the survival expert, married to one Heidi), JAAN (the wandwright), DON PAGLIAI (he of the purple hair), SUBITO (a dwarf clown who specializes in short-range Apparition), and BOCCACHIUSA (the wizard mime). These characters, plus Rigel’s father ORION, and assorted goblins with names like NAILSPIKE, CHOKECHAIN and DEWCLAW, have appeared in Nos. 31-33, 38-39, 46-49, 55-59, 63-68, 70-77, 79, 82-86, 88-93, 95, and 97.

BO DWYER, special correspondent for Broomstick and Wand Magazine, and sometime announcer on the Wizarding Wireless Network, first appeared in a flashback to the Owlympics when he interviewed Spanky and his nemesis Sid Shmedly. Since then, his guest columns and interviews have provided an occasional break from the steady development of one storyline or another. See TMQ Nos. 24, 61, 69, and 79 (in which we also meet his book-reviewing colleague, CICERO PICA).

NASAL DRIP is the wizarding world’s version of Spinal Tap. Fiendishly bad “cauldron punk” trio, consisting of three unrelated blokes named Edward Smith (though that may only be a stage name), Nasal Drip is also good for an occasional diversion from the main thread of The Magic Quill. Read about them in TMQ Nos. 7, 28, 45, 61, and 98.

RIDDLE TIME was a short-lived subfeature, back in Season One. It grew out of a couple of columns of open-ended Harry Potter trivia questions that I thought would “hold down the quill” during a vacation. It kept going for a while because more people wrote to me about the riddles than anything else in the Magic Quill. Nevertheless I am glad it’s over with, because in retrospect the “riddle” numbers are the weakest parts of the Magic Quill. Don’t believe me? See for yourself in TMQ Nos. 34-48.

Now that we’ve covered the major threads of the Magic Quill, here is a quick-reference guide to the minor characters who have come and gone...

Not all of the characters were created by the Magic Quill. The LANDLORD of the Hog’s Head, whose identity as Aberforth Dumbledore was broadly hinted even before JKR confirmed it, appeared in several early installments of TMQ, plus Nos. 51 and 78. HARRY POTTER himself has appeared as a baby, along with his parents, the “Marauders,” and their friends: see TMQ Nos. 2, 42, 44, and 53-54.

More baddies.... The first name of the Dark wizard FINSTERWALD was revealed in TMQ No. 6. Spanky’s schoolboy nemesis SID SHMEDLY turned up in TMQ Nos. 7-8, 10, 17-20, 22-27, and 40. An evil conspiracy was revealed (for the only time) in No. 12. The saga of BETTE NOIR played out in TMQ Nos. 13-16. Androgynous creep UNCLE OR AUNTIE LESLIE reared his or her horrible head in Nos. 32 and 63-64; the last Magic Quill Survey indicated that LESLIE was the character who left most readers “completely cold.” Death Eaters OREL and EUSTACE plotted against the Potters in TMQ Nos. 40-44 and 53-54. And who can forget IL COMTE di Bestemmia, a.k.a. Signore Maledicto, who along with his faithful house-elf OMBRA has waged a comical war of evil against our good guys. First seen making a love speech about himself, Il Comte has appeared in Nos. 74-77, 86, 88, 90, and 94.

+++ FREE BONUS! +++

Now it’s time for a pop quiz. Let’s see how carefully you have been reading the first two years’ worth of The Magic Quill. For each question you get right, 1 sickle will be donated to the March of Galleons, funding research for the prevention and treatment of Squibbism.

DIRECTIONS: Consider it an “open scroll” test; feel free to hunt for the answers. It may not be easy, but the answers will be revealed next week. Keep track of your own answers and grade your own work. Please, do not send Robbie your answers through the Feedback System. Also, please, do not spoil the answers for everybody in the discussion forum.

1. Name a house-elf who works at the Hog’s Head.
2. Name the nurse who used to look after Spanky’s children.
3. Name a thestral and the dealer who sold it to Rigel.
4. Name Bette Noir’s butler.
5. Name Spanky’s hometown and the wealthy wizard who protects it.
6. Name the goblin who ate the most wizards on record.
7. Name all three members of an Owlympic dueling team.
8. What does ETHF stand for?
9. Name an agent of the RMB who went bad (hint: the jury is still out on Spanky).
10. Name the proprietor of the Used Broom Shed.
11. Name the pub at the finish line of a long-distance broom race.
12. Name an astronomer who could turn into an eagle.
13. Name the first Death Eater to make an attempt on Lily Potter’s life.
14. What musician is known as the Wizard of Pop?
15. What is Spanky Spankison’s real name?
16. Who preceded Karkaroff as head of Durmstrang?
17. Who was the founding chairman of Gringotts?

[Originally posted 8/20/06]

50. The Shape of Things That Have Been

Concept Contributed By: Biblio

Thank you, dear reader Biblio, for suggesting that—as the Magic Quill reaches the big Five-Oh—we go back and summarize where the storyline has taken us so far, to help latecomers catch up. At first I was going to make a rude comeback like, “Why not try reading the column from the beginning and see if it makes any sense to you?” But then, I realized that this would be a good opportunity to “archive” the old numbers of the Magic Quill, and turn a new page, so to speak. So, with apologies to those of you who are eagerly waiting to find out what happens next, here is what has happened already:

1. “Tales from the Hog’s Head.” The stage is set as a veiled witch named Sadie, an invisible witch and wizard named Endora and Merlin, and a hooded stranger begin to swap tales in the less reputable of Hogsmeade’s village pubs.

2. “The Gifts of the Animagi.” Sadie opens with the touching story of baby Harry Potter’s first Christmas—but what Spanky, the hooded wizard, had to do with a certain werewolf that night is a tale that continues to unfold to this day!

3. “The Double-Barreled Wizard.” Spanky starts his story at the beginning, as he started his journey to Hogwarts with an unusual talent—he has two wands and can use them at the same time!

4. “The Mood Altering Vegetables.” During the first of many toilet breaks for Spanky, Sadie discusses her promising career in the magically-enhanced grocery business. Show of hands (no e-mails, please): how many of you remember Miles O’Roughage?

5. “The Double-Barreled Wizard, Part 2.” Robbie shows his first sign of lacking imagination when it comes to titles. But seriously, this is the one where Spanky begins to describe his career as a competitive dueler, with his early adventures in the Hogwarts Dueling Club with his as-yet-mysterious friend, Otis.

6. “McKnickers Dreams.” The first night of stories completed, our characters have various dreams and recollections, stimulated by the Hog’s Head house brand of firewhisky. This is where we first learn that Spanky is an agent of the Rogue Magic Bureau.

7. “The Double-Barreled Wizard, Part 3.” Honestly, the reason I kept using the same title was that they all had to do with Spanky’s dueling career! It makes sense, doesn’t it? Well, in this one, we meet Harvey, he of the handkerchief-covered face, and retire to the back parlor where all our stories have been told since then. It was also an important number because it introduced Spanky’s boyhood nemesis, Sid Shmedly.

8. “The Double-Barreled Wizard, Part 4.” Yeah, yeah, I know. Great title! Well, this long installment is stuffed with stories of the Dueling Club, mainly featuring Spanky and Shmedly. Pop quiz, hotshot: what effect does the Saltatrix curse have?

9. “The Iwixarod.” Spanky takes another pit stop while Merlin narrates his adventure in a long-distance broom race.

10. “The Affair of Gryffindor’s Sword.” In my (Robbie’s) opinion, one of the low points of the series (this is why I need your ideas, people!). This is a mysterious but ultimately pointless story about a duel between Shmedly and Spanky that comes over all kinds of weird.

11. “Meet Joe Albuquerque” begins to explain how Spanky got involved with the RMB, not to mention how he met the love his life, Ilona, and the greatest wizarding detective in America (guess who).

12. “The International Conspiracy of Clichés” is what you get for asking to find out what happens to Spanky during his trips to the bathroom. Some of you actually want to hear more from the ICC. It takes all kinds! Well, if you can think of a way to do it without being boring, I’d like to hear about it.

13. “The Bette Noir Affair,” the first of another series showcasing Robbie’s dazzling powers of inventing titles. No one has even noticed, apparently, that this title is a pun. That’s today’s education system for you! In this installment, a replica of Gryffindor’s sword is stolen and the trail of clues leads Spanky to a rendezvous with Joe Albuquerque.

14. “The Bette Noir Affair, Part 2” further establishes the “femme fatale” character, also known as Maleficent Cacklebury and various other punning names. (My favorite is still “Mercedes Binns.”) By the end of it, we find Spanky walking up the twisting path to Ms. Cacklebury’s bizarre, California mansion.

15. “The Bette Noir Affair, Part 3,” in which Spanky interrogates Ms. Cackelbury, a.k.a. Ms. Noir, and suspicion begins to fall on Joe Albuquerque.

16. “The Bette Noir Affair, Part 4,” in which Ms. Noir describes the colorful Egyptian adventure in which she and Joe Albuquerque were banished to a pyramid by an evil, magic-carpet dealer named Abdul Aberber Amir. It ends with our supposed friend Joe blasting a death curse in the direction of Spanky and Bette. (Dramatic organ chords...)

17. “The Bette Noir Affair, Part 5,” by which time I was starting to get a hundred e-mails a day suggesting new titles—hmm. I should try that strategy again! Of course the mystery of who stole the replica sword, and why, is finally unraveled...Joe is cleared of suspicion...and the femme fatale comes to a tear-jerking end. Sniff!

18. “The Double-Barreled Wizard, Part 5” begins another series that, by the time it ended, I regretted starting as much as anyone...but, in the long run, I think it worked out well! You see, wizards and witches have their own World Games, and among the events are Quidditch, Magymnastics, and—you guessed it—dueling! Lots and lots of two-fisted dueling!

19. “The Owlympic Sprint”—Spanky and Shmedly duke it out in a test of fast thinking, with wands!

20. “Marathons and Relays”—Two more Owlympic events, in which a great deal of general mayhem takes place.

21. “Bewitched Bewitched” (or vice versa). Spanky takes a long-overdue toilet break, while Merlin tells how he messed with some Muggles watching late-night TV.

22. “The Relay Final”—Another Owlympic dueling event in which Shmedly and Spanky face off.

23. “Team Dueling”—Does anyone remember the names of Spanky and Shmedly’s Owlympic dueling teammates? Who do you suppose they “really” are?

24. “The Interview”—By this time, the real Olympics were long past over with, but the Owlympic saga dragged on and on!!! Here is the chapter in which Spanky and Shmedly take part in a public relations disaster!

25. “The Freestyle Event, Part 1”—Further evidence that Owlympic dueling will never die! No matter how much you want it to!

26. “The Freestyle Event, Part 2”—An intense confrontation between Spanky and Shmedly (predictably, in the final of another Owlympic dueling event). This time something happens that changes Spanky’s life—and we still haven’t heard the end of it. What became of Ilona? Well? Ideas? Anyone?

27. “Single Combat”—The final showdown between Spanky and Shmedly (so far). The moral: never mess with a man who has nothing to lose!

28. “A Break for Station Identification”—Advertisements on the Wizarding Wireless Network. Twenty guesses: which band played the song “Werewolf Scratch Boogie”?

29. “Night Owls By Daylight”—Metaphorically speaking, of course. Harvey begins to introduce the special talents of each of the characters in that cozy back parlor, and starts to lay out a plan for how to put them all to good (?) use. And at the end, an unexpected new visitor turns up...

30. “The Circle Completed”—Joe Albuquerque and Spanky catch up, and Harvey gives the floor to our resident Gringotts expert: Merlin.

31. “Vold-Mart.” Merlin begins to narrate a new story, involving a spoiled young wizard named Rigel and a worried father’s resolve to keep his son out of evil.

32. “Uncle or Aunt Leslie.” A gruesome new villain—I’m still waiting for you to help me bring him or her back—sends Rigel, along with his invisible friend Merlin, on a dangerous quest into the depths of Gringotts.

33. “The Vault of Yves the Leper.” Merlin and Rigel break into a forgotten vault at Gringotts, on a mission to steal a forgotten potion of unimaginable power. But they don’t get too far!

34. “Riddle Me This.” The Quill takes a break from the story-line to put a few Harry Potter-related riddles to you—some of which remain unanswered!

35. “More Riddle Me This.” The Quill’s holiday break continues with ten more Harry Potter-themed riddles.

36. “Forward and Back.” The plot inches forward as the Hog’s Head storytelling circle adjourns for the night. Then, “Riddle Time” makes its debut as a weekly feature, with discussion of HP-related riddles.

37. “Back and Forth.” This time, no storyline, just chit-chat about riddles old and new.

38. “Chokechain’s Labyrinth, Part 1.” Merlin reveals his “true face” at last, and begins the story of his imprisonment in the labyrinths of Gringotts.

39. “Chokechain’s Labyrinth, Part 2.” Merlin’s tale continues as he and Rigel face a wily sphinx...but their troubles in the lower levels of Gringotts are not nearly over!

40. “Unfinished Business, Part 1.” Spanky satisfies your burning curiosity about the ending of the duel that began with “The Affair of Gryffindor’s Sword,” and he also begins anew in his loooooong story about how he dealt with the werewolf that tried to kill baby Harry on his first Christmas. The tale picks up as Spanky hears a couple of Death Eaters plotting against the as-yet-unborn Harry Potter...

41. “Unfinished Business, Part 2,” for which, very appropriately, you had to wait several weeks while I moved from Arizona to my new home state of Missouri. Talk about cliffhangers! The plot against the pregnant Lily Potter takes shape, and Spanky realizes he has to do something to stop it.

42. “Orel Prevention.” Spanky’s attempt to stave off a Death Eater attack on Lily Potter goes awry when, thanks to a (perhaps impossible) mishap with a Pensieve, he finds himself trapped INSIDE THE HEAD of a Death Eater disguised as a Merlin Scout.

43. “Trussed, Mussed, and Imperiussed.” After being kicked around by the Death Eaters, Spanky wakes up in a deposit bag on its way to a Gringotts vault. How do you bribe a bunch of by-the-numbers goblins, when you have no cash on you? If you ever find yourself in that situation, this article might save your life.

44. “Orel Suggestion.” Spanky arrives at Godric’s Hollow just as Harry Potter is being born—but the Potters’ suspicious friends soon figure out that Spanky isn’t his own master at the time!

45. “Musical Interlude.” More toe-tappers from Nasal Drip and all your other favorites, from the Wizarding Wireless Network.

46. “More Unfinished Business.” This time it’s back to Merlin’s storyline, where we find him imprisoned in a Gringotts vault with the biggest brat in the wizarding world.

47. “Some Thirsty Work.” Merlin’s tale of his imprisonment in Gringotts continues, as he and Rigel dig their way through the wall into a wine cellar occupied by clown wizards and Durmstrang runaways.

48. “More Thirsty Work.” The clowns plan Merlin and Rigel’s escape from Gringotts, with the unwitting aid of the goblins and the servants of an evil count. This number was also, for the record, the end of the “Riddle Time” subfeature.

49. “The Silken Ladder.” Merlin and Rigel are foiled in their attempt to escape Gringotts, and this time they are given a choice between being eaten by a manticore and having to grope through a pitch-dark dungeon in search of a silver shield.

50. “The Shape of Things That Have Been,” in which Robbie raises the art of STALLING to a previously unimagined level.

There. Now you have no excuse. You’re all caught up on everything that has ever happened (coughNOTcough) and you can start sending in your terrific ideas with total confidence (ppppllease?). All the same, it probably wouldn’t hurt you to go back and read the first 49 numbers for yourself. You might even enjoy them! Except the ones that sucked, like this one. But remember, if you don’t like it, you can change it. Send me a better idea for next time, and we’ll see where it takes us!

[Originally posted 4/29/05]