101. Eulogy for a Dark Wizard

Concept contributed by: Kat

All of us at Vold-Mart are devastated by the tragic loss of our Co-founder, Chief Operational Witch (or Wizard) and Sorcerer (or Sorceress) of Opportunity Development, Leslie Marion McInermaphrodite -- affectionately known to many as Uncle or Auntie Leslie. Driven by a disturbingly pure spirit of entrepreneurship, ruthless to the last, uncompromising in his or her love of blood purity and commitment to offering the tools of Dark wizardry at unbeatably low prices, Uncle or Auntie Leslie more than any other individual was responsible for the early success of Vold-Mart.

For these contributions, he or she was awarded the Order of the Green Serpent by the Dark Lord soon after his return. Leslie was also active in a variety of volunteer organizations, including (but not limited to) the Exterminate the Hungry Foundation, the Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Magical Creatures, Spellbondage International, Fiends Helping Fiends, the Acid Rainbow Coaltion, the Down With People Exchange Programs for Overprivileged Brats, Cannibals for Understanding, Siblings of the Parents of Obnoxious Offspring in Favor of Underage Drunken Broom Flying, the Fund for the Furtherance of Government Corruption and the World Domination Stamp Club.

As busy as Uncle or Auntie Leslie was with all of these duties, he or she did not have time to develop many close relationships. Or at least, if he or she did have such relationships, the other people involved have vanished. After so many disappearances in Leslie’s inner circle, it may not be surprising that I am the only surviving person for whom the phrase “Uncle or Auntie Leslie” was more than a nickname. You see, Leslie was actually my uncle or aunt. In fact, I was the inspiration behind the founding of Siblings of the Parents of Obnoxious Offspring. And although my Aunt or Uncle tried to do me in several times, in what I like to think of as an affectionate way, it is to Leslie that I owe my success today.

When my dear, dyslexic mother mentioned that she thought Elocution Lessons would be good for me, it was Uncle or Auntie Leslie who made sure that my mother saw an advert for Electrocution Lessons. She signed me up at once, thereby starting my career in torture and interrogation at a receptive, young age. The following summer, when Poise was on my mother’s mind, Leslie managed me into a course on Poison. When Mum thought I was learning to arrange a table setting, I was actually practicing Vivisection. And no school of ballet could ever have taught me to be as agile as Madame Bastinado’s Bullet Academy, where we learned to evade moving projectiles such as poisoned darts, harpoons and cannon fire. I remember the exams -- diplomas were awarded to the survivors.

By the time I reached adulthood, I had acquired a world of culture -- and the ability to instantly locate the crucial nerve-ending in a person’s body and exploit it to its maximum potential. Uncle or Auntie Leslie helped me to achieve that, and in return, I helped him or her to become rich and powerful. I was even able to contribute to Leslie’s proudest achievement: the Unforgivable Curse Howlers, delivering death, torment and enslavement by owl post. He or she did not live to see the release of the completed product line, but I can now positively say that the new Howlers will be on the shelves at Vold-Mart by the dark of the moon.

As a person, Uncle or Auntie Leslie was full of enigmas and contradictions. Many people thought that Leslie hated beautiful flowers, but I found that he or she loved the feel of flowers being crushed underfoot. Leslie was also rumored to hate children, but in fact he or she loved them -- primarily as food. For this reason, another rumor had it that he or she was a vampire, but Uncle or Auntie Leslie despised vampires. In fact, he or she deliberately put itching powder in the sunblock lotion that Vold-Mart manufactured for the vampires -- in spite of which, that sunblock remains one of our best selling items.

Leslie loved music and had a beautiful Countertenor (or perhaps Contralto) voice. He or she even took part in the Hogsmeade Oratorio Society at one time, but was asked to leave after repeatedly having laughing fits at the climax of John Dee’s The Damnation of Slytherin. Most surprising of all, Uncle or Auntie Leslie made frequent donations to a variety of religious organizations; generally with the words “for armament and defense” written in the Memo line.

The shock of Uncle or Auntie Leslie’s passing is made more profound by the knowledge that his or her death could have been prevented. As we now know, it was the Reversus spell that did him or her in. Some fool in Research and Development convinced Leslie that Reversus would cause his or her opponents’ spells to backfire on them. Duels with uppity subordinates, such as my late, unlamented siblings and cousins, were a regular part of Leslie’s trademark management style. When the charwitch provoked Leslie by vanishing his or her pet black widow, Leslie tried the Reversus spell and did not realize that it would in fact cause his or her own spells to rebound. Sadly, though this effect could have been reversed by casting another Reversus spell, Leslie moved directly to the Killing Curse without testing the first spell’s results.

And the rest is history. Or rather, Leslie was history, and he or she is now at rest in this Plus-Sized Funeral Urn. With that, let us observe a moment of silence.... All right, that’s long enough. By the way, I ought to mention that this memorial service shall be stopped out of your pay. So get back to work, the lot of you!

Submitted to The Quibbler by an anonymous source at Vold-Mart.

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SURVEY: True or False: Today’s witches and wizards are all descended from an all-magical civilization that existed long ago, before they spread out and got mixed up with Muggles.

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[Originally posted 9/7/06]