Contest winners: Celairiel, stwonks, voldymortus, TWZRD, _houdini and charlottexgf
A house-elf wearing a blue linen place-mat, kilt-fashion, crept into the library carrying a large package wrapped in brown paper and string. “This was just delivered, master,” said the house-elf, straining to lift the package onto the library table.
Harvey took the package and severed the strings with a wave of his wand. “You may retire for the night, Dinty,” he said. “I will be up all night, and if I need anything I’ll get it myself.”
“Master is too kind,” said Dinty, backing out of the library.
Under the brown wrapping paper was a heavy book, bound in mooncalf skin, with the title embossed in gold: HOW TO DO IT BACKWARDS. The book smelled new, and the title page stated that the book was a Weasley-Wheeze Press Limited Edition. Harvey turned the page and found himself looking at an advertisement:
“Weasley & Weasley present: THE ULTIMATE T.P. KIT! Disguised as a travel kit filled with plastic wrap and hygiene necessities, a simple activation spell is all it needs to redecorate your victim’s home or office. Adapts to the structure targeted for maximum annoyance...”
Harvey snorted in disgust and turned another page.
“FOREWORD: The manuscript of this book was handed down through several generations of our family. We the publishers inherited it from our Uncle Fabian, along with instructions to print it on a given date. Only a few copies were to be made, and each to be sent to a recipient whose name has been down since before they were born. We have followed these instructions, printing the book at our own expense. The fact that you are reading this indicates either that your name was on the list, or that the original recipient willingly gave the book to you. Anyone else will find this book to be a catalogue of Wizard Wheezes available at bargain prices, only in Diagon Alley. See Appendix G for the full instructions that were enclosed with the manuscript. Do enjoy this book, and please show your appreciation for our part in bringing it to you by patronizing our establishment.”
On the next page was another advert, decorated with dancing stars and shining colors: “Weasley & Weasley present: TOOTHPAINT! Stun your friends and family with a smile in brilliant color! Or, dupe your unsuspecting mates into using a toothpaste that makes their teeth flash through all the colors of the rainbow...”
Another snort, another page.
“CONTENTS: Chapter 1, How to Walk Forward While Living Backwards. Chapter 2, Problems with Remembering the Future but Not the Past. Chapter 3, Strategies for Leaving Informative Messages for Yourself to Receive in the Future. Chapter 4, Strategies for Communicating with Those Left Behind in the Future. Chapter 5, What Items You Should and Shouldn’t Carry on a Journey Through Time. Chapter 6, A Primer of Verb Tenses for Living Backwards in Time. Chapter 7, Strategies for Introducing Yourself to People Who May or May Not Have Met You Before, While You Can Only Remember Your Future Dealings with Them. Chapter 8, Why History Doesn’t Change Just Because You’re Going the Wrong Way Through It. Chapter 9, Strategies for Handling Encounters with Other Time Travelers. Chapter 10, Historical Dangers to Avoid. Chapter 11, Challenges and Solutions in Eleventh-Century Viniculture. Chapter 12, Strategies for Pretending to Know What Is Going On. Chapter 14, What to Do in the Event that Any Part of This Book Gets Accidentally Erased. Chapter 15, Handy Places to Hide Things That You Will Need Later. Chapter 16, Handy Places to Hide Things that You Will Have Needed Earlier. Chapter 17, People You Should Not Cross, and How to Hide from Them When You Do. Chapter 18, Facts about the All-Magical Civilization from Which All Wizardkind Descends. Chapter 19, Why the Contents of Chapter 18 Should Remain Forgotten. Chapter 20, Why History Doesn’t Change Just Because You’re Going the Wrong Way Through It. Chapter 21, What to Do in the Event that Things, Including Parts of this Book, Begin to Repeat Themselves. Chapter 22, How to Revise Your Memoirs Retroactively Without Violating the Laws of Time. Chapter 23, How to Get Away with Violating the Laws of Time. Chapter 24, How to Petition for an Amendment to the Laws of Time. Chapter 25, Where to Find the Last Eight Chapters in the Event that this Book Ends After Chapter 17.”
Harvey flipped to the end of the book and saw that the last chapter was Chapter 43, titled “Which Chapters to Skip in the Event that the Table of Contents Gets Completely Messed Up.” He sighed and flipped back to the Table of Contents, then turned another page.
“Weasley & Weasley present: VANISHING CLOTHES! Great as a joke gift for siblings, romantic rivals, people you admire, and the prat of your year. After three hours of wear, items become transparent. Available in wizard robes and women’s skirts. Coming soon in men’s trousers. Sorry, no knickers...”
With a groan, Harvey turned the next page.
“Chapter 1, How to Walk Forward While Living Backwards.
“Really, there is more to this than just appearing to walk forward, when in fact you are moving backward in time. The backward life would not be worth living if you could not carry on a conversation, enjoy a piece of music, or properly digest a meal. The trick, which does not occur to one naturally and therefore requires a good deal of practice, is to move backward in time by small jumps, rather than continuous steps. This way you can experience moments that move “forward” in the normal manner, only with the moments occurring in reverse order. With care, study, and diligent application, these leaps and forward-moving bits can be increased from mere moments to minutes, hours, days, even weeks. But there are some dangers to be aware of.”
Harvey turned a page.
“Weasley & Weasley present: BACKFIRE JUICE! Slip it into your friend’s drink, and enjoy an embarrassing noise every time he raises and extends his arm. Particularly hilarious when administered to a young man on a date. Discount for fathers of teenage daughters...”
Sigh, flip.
“Here are some simple practice exercises, to help you survive the early stages of “moment by moment” backstepping. First, swallow firmly. Then, chew whatever is in your mouth. Finally, put a forkful of food in your mouth. Spit quickly so that you do not choke when repeating these three steps. It is important to remember NOT to carry the spitting bit over into your backward eating routine. Try it again: swallow, chew, then put food in your mouth. It is best, perhaps, to practice this with imaginary food for a few hours a day, before beginning to live backwards in time. Then you will be prepared to receive nourishment while skipping backward a moment at a time.
“Exercise 2. This is to help you negotiate a conversation in short, backward jumps. Bearing in mind that the beginning of the conversation, for you, is the end of the conversation for everyone else involved – and vice versa. It takes skill and alertness to avoid the appearance of knowing too much at the beginning of a conversation, and forgetting what everyone is talking about by the end. It is also important not to appear to be agreeing or disagreeing before you know what the conversation is about. So, it helps to practice the following noncommittal responses, while cultivating an air of enigmatic coolness. Memorize each of the following, and try repeating them in random order as responses at the beginning of conversations: ‘This is some weather, isn’t it?’ ‘To be sure.’ ‘I will need to give this a good deal of thought.’ ‘Do you mind if I smoke?’ ‘Good heavens.’ ‘Why don’t you recap what we’ve just discussed, to make sure we’re on the same page.’ ‘Is that right? (Secretive chuckle.)’ ‘Well, that’s certainly a point of view.’ ‘Oh, dear! My watch can’t be right. What time do you have?’ (See Chapter 36 for Reasons Never to Carry a Working Timepiece While Living Backwards in Time.) ‘Interesting Times.’ ‘I suppose it goes to show what the old proverb says – you know the one I mean.’ ‘(Sudden laugh) – Merlin’s beard, but that creates a picture in one’s mind!’
“Then try to be careful only to GRADUALLY make remarks pertinent to the topic of the conversation, as you begin to understand it. Also, see Chapter 43 for a transcript of some important conversations that you will need to be prepared for as you begin to move backward in time.”
Harvey turned the page.
“Weasley & Weasley present: the ODOURIZER! Looks like perfume, smells like perfume – to the person who opens the bottle. But to everyone else, it pongs of...”
Muttered curse. Flip.
“Exercise 3. This exercise will help you train your memory to piece together a piece of music, a conversation, or the route of a journey experienced while moving backward in short time-jumps. This will help you to understand what is going on, and where you are going, without constantly being lost during the critical early days of your time-reversed lifestyle. Open the top drawer of the desk to your left, and you will find a handheld slide-viewer and a box of slides. These materials were (or will be) provided in accordance with Chapter 3’s instructions; you will understand later how they came to be there. Now, starting with the slide marked #1, view the first ten slides. Then, write a description of what you have seen and the route taken, in reverse order with respect to the sequence of slides. Then, compare your notes to the correct answer, which is written on a scroll tucked in the pigeon-hole above your desk, top row, second from the left. Repeat these steps for each set of ten slides until the box is exhausted.”
Fascinated, Harvey slid the first slide in the view-finder, looked through, and saw:
“Weasley & Weasley present: the ALL-DAY PROGRESSIVE WEDGIE KIT!”
“Confound those jokesters!” Harvey screamed, yanking the slide out of the view-finder.
+++ DOUBLE CHALLENGE +++
To send Robbie your personal feedback or original ideas, visit the Feedback Form [EDIT: Rather, leave a Comment]. To vote in the Survey and Contest to determine what happens in the Chapter-After-Next, visit the Discussion Forum [EDIT: This discussion is closed].
SURVEY: Which of the following concepts would you prefer to see in a Magic Quill chapter: (A) Due to a Charms lesson gone awry, everyone in Tip’s year at Hogwarts ended up with the name Edward Smith. (B) Marmaduke Spankison gets in unprecedented amounts of trouble because he keeps forgetting that he can’t become invisible at will anymore. (C) Bo Dwyer interviews ghost members of the England Head Quidditch team. (D) Spanky and Joe investigate the disappearance of an entire cellarful of casks of thousand-year-old, Britannin-aged Chateau Harvey wine.
CONTEST: What does a young wizard-witch couple do on a date? (Keep it “fun for all ages,” please.)
The Survey answer that gets the most votes, and the Contest entry that Robbie likes the most, will be featured in Magic Quill #105. So be sure to visit our Discussion Thread – and if you aren’t a member of COS Forums, join today!
[Originally posted 9/30/06]
Showing posts with label adverts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adverts. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
79. A Break for Bestsellers
Contest Winners: Lightshade, R_shackleford, silvaStorm, Angela Scarlett, hpwestham13, TWZRD, eagleanimagus, AmyLynn91403, & Linda Carrig
Sporting memoirs mixed with do-it-yourself guides in this week’s Nonfiction List--writes Daily Prophet book review editor Cicero Pica.--A tell-all exposé of the professional Quidditch league, a popular look at myths about Muggles, and a photo-essay about the most exotic, protected species of birds in the world were among the variety of subjects treated in the Top Ten Bestsellers.
Treated, indeed. Entering the list at number ten was Aurelius Conkling’s Sniffly Nifflers: What to do when your niffler’s nose is stuffed (Orkney: Divining Rod Press). Written in an engaging style for lay readers, the book appeals to everyone who finds nifflers cuddly and cute – but even more so to those who need their nifflers in top, treasure-sniffing shape. And in these difficult days, that goes for more than just Gringotts curse breakers! Conkling has painstakingly researched most of the diseases that can impair a niffler’s sense of smell, including dirt allergies and iron-disulfide dependency. A must-buy for anyone interested in the care of magical creatures!
Falling two places to number nine was Broomstick Splinters, the controversial memoir of long-time Ballycastle Bats seeker Herbert “the Hawk” Houlighan (London: Snidely & Foxment). But sales are expected to pick up again, following this week’s news that Houlighan was admitted to St. Mungo’s after opening an anonymous letter containing a one-off, attack-the-reader curse. Ministry wizards are tight-lipped, but a source in Houlighan’s family confirmed that anyone named in Broomstick Splinters may be a suspect. For a complete review, see page 5 of the current Magic Folk supplement.
Holding steady at number eight: Mystifying Muggles, an up-to-date guide on how to avoid attracting the notice of Muggles as you live and work magic in their neighborhood (Oxford: Merlin College Press). Authors Cecil Lee-Stuff and Donna B. Endicott candidly evaluate the successes and failures of each technique in an exhaustive study of our concealment from the Muggle world. Then they describe new challenges to the secrecy of our world, and the most recent techniques that have been developed to meet those challenges – including some they have invented and tested themselves! No book could be more timely, and not merely for those who are charged with keeping our world secret and safe. Every wizarding family should take warning, and encouragement, from what this book has to say about baffling orbiting Muggle devices, radar, and so many other modern Muggle gadgets.
Not to be confused with the previous title, Muggle Myths enters the Nonfiction List at number seven (Edinburgh: Muggle Studies Institute). J. Balthasar Drooble, general editor, heads an impressive list of scholars who contributed to this book, with a critical look at all the fictions you have ever heard about Muggles, and a few amazing facts besides! Do they really cut people open in Muggle hospitals? Do their flying machines and moving pictures work by enslaving countless harmless fairies? Do they use kites with keys tied to them to make eckeltricity? And have they really been to the moon and back? You won’t know for sure until you read this astounding book!
Cole Slaughter follows up his 2002 bestseller, Spell Safari, with another foray into exotic magical traditions in Famous Wizards of North America (Land’s End: Snickerdoodle Ltd). Both scholarly and completely approachable, Slaughter’s profiles of 46 noteworthy witches, warlocks, mages, and shamans enters this week’s list at number six. This reviewer is particularly impressed by the chapter on Black Elk, which should be read in every history-of-magic classroom. Even some Muggles might be interested in getting hold of this book, especially for what it has to say about Eisenhower. But the real surprise is the evidence Slaughter has uncovered about Massachusetts witch-trial maven Cotton Mather!
In Wee Wizards and the Mozart Effect (Crewkerne: Chick & Egg), entering the list at number five, Dr. Betelgeuse Spork becomes only the fourth author to make it onto a Daily Prophet bestseller list over 80 times, and in 8 different decades to boot. Still the most trusted advisor on parenting magic, Spork is best known for his epochal studies of magical child development, titled What Are Little Witches Made Of? and He Had a Bezoar Up His Nose. Now he sets out to correct the gross information lately put about by the Muggle child-development experts, particularly regarding the spells certain renegade wizards cast through music composed for a Muggle audience. Though the judgment of modern wizarding society would condemn Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach to a cell in Azkaban, Spork makes (as always) an even-handed judgment and concludes that their music could, indeed, be used to enrich the magical potential of tiny tots, newbies, and even unborn witches and wizards.
Dropping from the number one spot to fourth on the list was So You’ve Been Cursed by Jasper “Jinx” Jenkins, founder of MMMF (Mending Magical Mishaps Foundation) of Strunkhaven, which also published the book. With chapters on counter-jinxes, potions and spells to relieve symptoms, and support groups to help you deal with long-lasting hex effects, this is another book for which the time is ripe. Unfortunately, the market was flooded with look-alike books that are printed on cursed paper with poisoned ink, and a whole batch of the books had to be recalled when the printer discovered that someone had slightly tampered with the text to make some of the cures into curses. Nevertheless, Jenkins is a name to watch, as he has his finger on what today’s readers desperately want.
Down from second to third on the list is Glissandra Smith-Smith-Johnson-Smith’s glittery, glossy Weddings for Witches (Frillborough: Tuxedo Breakfast, Ltd). The latest fashions in bridal attire are exhaustively depicted in a multitude of see-from-all-sides posed pictures, including plus-size, minus-size, bridesmaid-uglifying, and bride-de-uglifying dresses, hair styles, facial treatments, accessories, and pages and pages of charms and potions for catching Mr. Right and making the big day perfect. The only drawback is that, at twenty galleons per copy, it is a big investment for a book that will be outdated at least by the time next year’s bridal guide comes out. The real value of this book lies in all the personal experience brought to it by the author, who has herself been married eleven times at this writing (and whose full list of hyphenated, married names includes at least two more Smiths).
Rising to number two from a slow start last week at number 14 is a coffee-table-quality book, with text by Lyman Twerp and full-sound, 360-degree-motion photos by Seymour Entwistle: Magical Birds of the Azores (Dungarvan: Be Kind To Your Fine Feathered Friends, Ltd). Rare, glorious creatures they are, and they have been studied and filmed in loving detail, right down to their social habits, family structure, and digestive problems. Such a variety of seldom-seen, yet (fortunately) magically protected species can be found nowhere outside the Really Unplottable Bird Sanctuary off the coast of Idaho. Folks who keep this book on their coffee table had better hide it from visitors if they don’t want them to stay for very long!
And finally, joining the list at number one is the name-dropping, tale-telling potboiler, I Did It Diagonally by Tom Lekkeketel, with co-author Bo Dwyer (London: Broom and Wand Books). Tom, as we all know, is the proprietor of the Leaky Cauldron, and as such he has come into intimate personal contact with nearly every wizard of consequence alive today, to say nothing of those who are of no consequence or no longer living. Which member of the International Federation of Warlocks required a soft-boiled swan’s egg at three o’clock in the morning? Which Wizarding Wireless star trashed his room after his first album earned a million galleons? Which Hogwarts professor staged a Gringotts break-in from a room in the Leaky Cauldron? What did Harry Potter order for supper while staying there for the summer? And which high ranking members of the Ministry left without paying their bill? The answers to all your questions, and many more, are inside. Chances are, you know someone who is mentioned in this book, if you aren’t mentioned yourself. So it’s no wonder the copies are flying off the shelves!
Be sure to check the list next week, following the release of Rigel Oldmanson’s Growing Up Twice (Warwick: Anonymous Press), in which the est- (continued on page 17...)
+++ DOUBLE CHALLENGE FOR #81 +++
To send Robbie your personal feedback or original ideas, visit the Feedback Form [EDIT: Rather, leave a Comment]. To vote in the Survey and Contest to determine what happens in the Chapter-After-Next, visit the Discussion Forum [EDIT: This discussion is closed].
The SURVEY: Two questions this time. (1) Is Sadie a chick or a dude? and (2) Is it time yet for the other characters to find this out for sure?
The CONTEST: Describe a magical being, creature, or plant that lives in water.
The Survey Answer that gets the most votes, and the Contest entry that Robbie likes the most, will be featured in Magic Quill #81. So be sure to visit our Discussion Thread – and if you aren’t a member of COS Forums, join today!
[Originally posted 1/27/06]
Sporting memoirs mixed with do-it-yourself guides in this week’s Nonfiction List--writes Daily Prophet book review editor Cicero Pica.--A tell-all exposé of the professional Quidditch league, a popular look at myths about Muggles, and a photo-essay about the most exotic, protected species of birds in the world were among the variety of subjects treated in the Top Ten Bestsellers.
Treated, indeed. Entering the list at number ten was Aurelius Conkling’s Sniffly Nifflers: What to do when your niffler’s nose is stuffed (Orkney: Divining Rod Press). Written in an engaging style for lay readers, the book appeals to everyone who finds nifflers cuddly and cute – but even more so to those who need their nifflers in top, treasure-sniffing shape. And in these difficult days, that goes for more than just Gringotts curse breakers! Conkling has painstakingly researched most of the diseases that can impair a niffler’s sense of smell, including dirt allergies and iron-disulfide dependency. A must-buy for anyone interested in the care of magical creatures!
Falling two places to number nine was Broomstick Splinters, the controversial memoir of long-time Ballycastle Bats seeker Herbert “the Hawk” Houlighan (London: Snidely & Foxment). But sales are expected to pick up again, following this week’s news that Houlighan was admitted to St. Mungo’s after opening an anonymous letter containing a one-off, attack-the-reader curse. Ministry wizards are tight-lipped, but a source in Houlighan’s family confirmed that anyone named in Broomstick Splinters may be a suspect. For a complete review, see page 5 of the current Magic Folk supplement.
Holding steady at number eight: Mystifying Muggles, an up-to-date guide on how to avoid attracting the notice of Muggles as you live and work magic in their neighborhood (Oxford: Merlin College Press). Authors Cecil Lee-Stuff and Donna B. Endicott candidly evaluate the successes and failures of each technique in an exhaustive study of our concealment from the Muggle world. Then they describe new challenges to the secrecy of our world, and the most recent techniques that have been developed to meet those challenges – including some they have invented and tested themselves! No book could be more timely, and not merely for those who are charged with keeping our world secret and safe. Every wizarding family should take warning, and encouragement, from what this book has to say about baffling orbiting Muggle devices, radar, and so many other modern Muggle gadgets.
Not to be confused with the previous title, Muggle Myths enters the Nonfiction List at number seven (Edinburgh: Muggle Studies Institute). J. Balthasar Drooble, general editor, heads an impressive list of scholars who contributed to this book, with a critical look at all the fictions you have ever heard about Muggles, and a few amazing facts besides! Do they really cut people open in Muggle hospitals? Do their flying machines and moving pictures work by enslaving countless harmless fairies? Do they use kites with keys tied to them to make eckeltricity? And have they really been to the moon and back? You won’t know for sure until you read this astounding book!
Cole Slaughter follows up his 2002 bestseller, Spell Safari, with another foray into exotic magical traditions in Famous Wizards of North America (Land’s End: Snickerdoodle Ltd). Both scholarly and completely approachable, Slaughter’s profiles of 46 noteworthy witches, warlocks, mages, and shamans enters this week’s list at number six. This reviewer is particularly impressed by the chapter on Black Elk, which should be read in every history-of-magic classroom. Even some Muggles might be interested in getting hold of this book, especially for what it has to say about Eisenhower. But the real surprise is the evidence Slaughter has uncovered about Massachusetts witch-trial maven Cotton Mather!
In Wee Wizards and the Mozart Effect (Crewkerne: Chick & Egg), entering the list at number five, Dr. Betelgeuse Spork becomes only the fourth author to make it onto a Daily Prophet bestseller list over 80 times, and in 8 different decades to boot. Still the most trusted advisor on parenting magic, Spork is best known for his epochal studies of magical child development, titled What Are Little Witches Made Of? and He Had a Bezoar Up His Nose. Now he sets out to correct the gross information lately put about by the Muggle child-development experts, particularly regarding the spells certain renegade wizards cast through music composed for a Muggle audience. Though the judgment of modern wizarding society would condemn Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach to a cell in Azkaban, Spork makes (as always) an even-handed judgment and concludes that their music could, indeed, be used to enrich the magical potential of tiny tots, newbies, and even unborn witches and wizards.
Dropping from the number one spot to fourth on the list was So You’ve Been Cursed by Jasper “Jinx” Jenkins, founder of MMMF (Mending Magical Mishaps Foundation) of Strunkhaven, which also published the book. With chapters on counter-jinxes, potions and spells to relieve symptoms, and support groups to help you deal with long-lasting hex effects, this is another book for which the time is ripe. Unfortunately, the market was flooded with look-alike books that are printed on cursed paper with poisoned ink, and a whole batch of the books had to be recalled when the printer discovered that someone had slightly tampered with the text to make some of the cures into curses. Nevertheless, Jenkins is a name to watch, as he has his finger on what today’s readers desperately want.
Down from second to third on the list is Glissandra Smith-Smith-Johnson-Smith’s glittery, glossy Weddings for Witches (Frillborough: Tuxedo Breakfast, Ltd). The latest fashions in bridal attire are exhaustively depicted in a multitude of see-from-all-sides posed pictures, including plus-size, minus-size, bridesmaid-uglifying, and bride-de-uglifying dresses, hair styles, facial treatments, accessories, and pages and pages of charms and potions for catching Mr. Right and making the big day perfect. The only drawback is that, at twenty galleons per copy, it is a big investment for a book that will be outdated at least by the time next year’s bridal guide comes out. The real value of this book lies in all the personal experience brought to it by the author, who has herself been married eleven times at this writing (and whose full list of hyphenated, married names includes at least two more Smiths).
Rising to number two from a slow start last week at number 14 is a coffee-table-quality book, with text by Lyman Twerp and full-sound, 360-degree-motion photos by Seymour Entwistle: Magical Birds of the Azores (Dungarvan: Be Kind To Your Fine Feathered Friends, Ltd). Rare, glorious creatures they are, and they have been studied and filmed in loving detail, right down to their social habits, family structure, and digestive problems. Such a variety of seldom-seen, yet (fortunately) magically protected species can be found nowhere outside the Really Unplottable Bird Sanctuary off the coast of Idaho. Folks who keep this book on their coffee table had better hide it from visitors if they don’t want them to stay for very long!
And finally, joining the list at number one is the name-dropping, tale-telling potboiler, I Did It Diagonally by Tom Lekkeketel, with co-author Bo Dwyer (London: Broom and Wand Books). Tom, as we all know, is the proprietor of the Leaky Cauldron, and as such he has come into intimate personal contact with nearly every wizard of consequence alive today, to say nothing of those who are of no consequence or no longer living. Which member of the International Federation of Warlocks required a soft-boiled swan’s egg at three o’clock in the morning? Which Wizarding Wireless star trashed his room after his first album earned a million galleons? Which Hogwarts professor staged a Gringotts break-in from a room in the Leaky Cauldron? What did Harry Potter order for supper while staying there for the summer? And which high ranking members of the Ministry left without paying their bill? The answers to all your questions, and many more, are inside. Chances are, you know someone who is mentioned in this book, if you aren’t mentioned yourself. So it’s no wonder the copies are flying off the shelves!
Be sure to check the list next week, following the release of Rigel Oldmanson’s Growing Up Twice (Warwick: Anonymous Press), in which the est- (continued on page 17...)
+++ DOUBLE CHALLENGE FOR #81 +++
To send Robbie your personal feedback or original ideas, visit the Feedback Form [EDIT: Rather, leave a Comment]. To vote in the Survey and Contest to determine what happens in the Chapter-After-Next, visit the Discussion Forum [EDIT: This discussion is closed].
The SURVEY: Two questions this time. (1) Is Sadie a chick or a dude? and (2) Is it time yet for the other characters to find this out for sure?
The CONTEST: Describe a magical being, creature, or plant that lives in water.
The Survey Answer that gets the most votes, and the Contest entry that Robbie likes the most, will be featured in Magic Quill #81. So be sure to visit our Discussion Thread – and if you aren’t a member of COS Forums, join today!
[Originally posted 1/27/06]
69. Concept Brooms
The best part of the most popular wizarding event in Britain may be one that most of us missed--writes Bo Dwyer for a Broomstick and Wand special issue on wizarding transportation.
All the big broom makers, and a surprising number of small ones, came together last week for the annual Hogsmeade Broom Show. Both pristine, classic models and next year’s hottest new designs were unveiled. Cleansweeps, Oakshafts, Nimbus, Firebolt—all were out in force. The historic Tingletoe Dance Hall and the adjacent Circled Square were stunned by the heat and congestion of the dealers, saleswizards, buyers, and just-plain-gawkers who came from as far away as Dijon and Göteborg.
But in a little-frequented courtyard behind the Mad Hatter Inn was a very special part of the Broom Show that draws only a few, very dedicated enthusiasts every year. In that comparative stillness, one could get a once-only peek at this year’s most daring designs, destined never to be produced for the retail market. Among the rejected prototypes, specially-commissioned one-of-a-kinds, and just-for-larks oddities, this correspondent discovered some "concept brooms" whose time may have come:
THE “EAT-MY-LINT” IN-LINE CLOTHES-BRUSHES from the makers of the Shooting Star – Rather like having miniature brooms strapped to your feet, the “Eat-My-Lint” experience is a thrill-ride and a fitness craze wrapped up in a shoebox. It takes a bit of grace and poise to stay upright with these little wonders racing along under you. Not recommended for wizards with a history of pulled groins, it comes with an optional “Sta-Uprite” helmet, impact-repellant knee and elbow pads, and the most comfortable one-size-fits-all spell since Mrs. Shrubsole’s Murtlap-Frond Slippers. I may not be much at divination, but I foresee a big market for signs permitting “No In-Line Clothes-Brushes On Premises.”
THE “LOVERS’ LEAP” TANDEM BROOM from Bristledown & Co. – one bundle of twigs, attached at the end of a forked broomstick. This model is perfect for the couple that can’t stand to be separated even for a moment. Perhaps wisely, it is available only on terms of a thirty-day lease. What puts the Lovers’ Leap shaft and tip above earlier tandem models is the special protocol of steering charms that only allows liftoff after both riders have agreed on who gets to steer. This can only be overridden in the event of an emergency (though the salesman wasn’t quite clear about what ratio of “pulse increase” to “resistance to anti-accident charms” constitutes an emergency). This should solve the problem one still occasionally sees with tandem brooms juddering from side to side under the force of its riders’ conflicting wills. On the other hand, one can also ride this model solo. With the optional picnic blanket that can be stretched across the gap between the twin shafts, one can even recline comfortably while the Lovers’ Leap purrs through the air.
THE “SUK-E-LUX 26” FAUX-ECLECTIC SKY SWEEPER from Noover & Yorick – ideal for the Muggle-artifact enthusiast in everyone’s family, not to mention the “plus size” specimen who can cause even the stoutest cushioning charm to go flat. Available in standard and bagless models, the Suk-E-Lux 26 trades in the usual unidirectional twigs for a rotating spiral of short bristles and a roaring jet of compressed air. The seat gracefully accomodates the widest bottom, and the model with the bag provides a very embraceable cushion for the timid wizard or witch who are simply too nervous to entrust themselves to invisible forcefields. The cleverest feature is a coil of rubberized cable which acts as a mana collector, constantly recharging those noisy rotors. Plus, in a pinch it can be uncoiled and used to lasso wild hippogriffs and the like. Tally-ho and so on. The only drawback is that the mana collectors only work effectively within a few miles of a concentration of wizardly activity; beyond that radius, a sudden and disastrous loss of power can result.
THE “SQUEAK STREAK 8” from Wet Wipe Enterprises of Bermuda (still a center of concentrated wizarding manufacture, as it has been since a British royal wizard’s fabled exile there in the ninth century) – the latest in a long line of improvements on their original model, which was better known by its popular epithet, the “Crash Splash 0.” This time it really seems those Bermudan wizards have done it, producing a flying window-scrubber with a long enough range to cross the Atlantic non-stop. Attempts to get across the South Pacific are still not recommended, though the sponge side of the scrubber head does inflate into a very luxurious and well-stocked liferaft. It’s the squeegee side that is likely to cause thrills and spills, as it cuts through moisture so efficiently that it can literally slice a cloud in half. As long as you keep wringing out the sponge side, you shouldn’t have the problem that caused the Squeak Streak 6 to be recalled, though the manufacturers have thoughtfully included a Last Will and Testament in the registration form.
THE “SHIVER SLIVER 1,” also from Wet Wipe Enterprises – an attempt to branch out in an unexpected new direction. For wizards who regularly need to fly over a polar ice-cap, here is a long-handled ice scraper / snow-brush that slices right through snow, sleet, freezing rain, and bone-chilling haze. While the wintery elements do their tree-snapping, icy worst, the rider snuggles inside a cozy envelope of warmth that, amazingly, does not thaw any of its surroundings. The hollow shaft pulls apart and snaps back together in different configurations, including a shovel attachment (for flying in extra-heavy snow) and a silver ice-pick with a Yeti-nose-hair core (for performing spells at temperatures below ideal specifications for a regular wand). However, it is already clear that the Shiver Sliver will have to go through several more models before it is quite ready for northern exposure. Clearly, the Bermudan wizards did not anticipate everything that an Arctic or Antarctic flyover might involve. For example, the beverage spout produces iced pumpkin juice, but NOT hot chocolate. I suggest waiting till at least Shiver Sliver 5 before buying!
And finally...THE “GOLDEN SHEAVES” SKY RAKE from Bambi Greene & Sons’ Wizarding Agricultural Applications – a small but growing firm now producing a line of products that are only sold to wizarding farmers whose lands are still surrounded by concealing hedges. By taking low passes over a field (with the proper attachment on the brush end), this sky rake can plough, cultivate, sow, de-pest, harvest, and even clean and separate most crops – though cereals are clearly a specialty. From the people who created the first waterless, windless, self-turning mill-wheel; the self-picking, ripe-berries-only bucket; and the cream-separating, butter-churning, cheese-curing dairy bucket, comes this amazing new flying farm implement that will save a vast number of costly “straight from the stalk to the barn” spells, while also giving young farm-wizards an outlet for the passion for intense boredom that afflicts many wizards at a certain awkward age. After a few passes over the Back 40 on the Golden Sheaves, they’ll never say, “I want to grow up to be a Muggle” again!
If you happen to be in the Hogsmeade area at Broom Show time next year, don’t miss this exhibit of broom novelties. Rumor has it that the Firebolt people are working on a no-bristle concept for next year’s show. Not to be outdone, the Nimbus folks are said to be planning a non-stick entry! Who wouldn’t like to see that?
All the big broom makers, and a surprising number of small ones, came together last week for the annual Hogsmeade Broom Show. Both pristine, classic models and next year’s hottest new designs were unveiled. Cleansweeps, Oakshafts, Nimbus, Firebolt—all were out in force. The historic Tingletoe Dance Hall and the adjacent Circled Square were stunned by the heat and congestion of the dealers, saleswizards, buyers, and just-plain-gawkers who came from as far away as Dijon and Göteborg.
But in a little-frequented courtyard behind the Mad Hatter Inn was a very special part of the Broom Show that draws only a few, very dedicated enthusiasts every year. In that comparative stillness, one could get a once-only peek at this year’s most daring designs, destined never to be produced for the retail market. Among the rejected prototypes, specially-commissioned one-of-a-kinds, and just-for-larks oddities, this correspondent discovered some "concept brooms" whose time may have come:
THE “EAT-MY-LINT” IN-LINE CLOTHES-BRUSHES from the makers of the Shooting Star – Rather like having miniature brooms strapped to your feet, the “Eat-My-Lint” experience is a thrill-ride and a fitness craze wrapped up in a shoebox. It takes a bit of grace and poise to stay upright with these little wonders racing along under you. Not recommended for wizards with a history of pulled groins, it comes with an optional “Sta-Uprite” helmet, impact-repellant knee and elbow pads, and the most comfortable one-size-fits-all spell since Mrs. Shrubsole’s Murtlap-Frond Slippers. I may not be much at divination, but I foresee a big market for signs permitting “No In-Line Clothes-Brushes On Premises.”
THE “LOVERS’ LEAP” TANDEM BROOM from Bristledown & Co. – one bundle of twigs, attached at the end of a forked broomstick. This model is perfect for the couple that can’t stand to be separated even for a moment. Perhaps wisely, it is available only on terms of a thirty-day lease. What puts the Lovers’ Leap shaft and tip above earlier tandem models is the special protocol of steering charms that only allows liftoff after both riders have agreed on who gets to steer. This can only be overridden in the event of an emergency (though the salesman wasn’t quite clear about what ratio of “pulse increase” to “resistance to anti-accident charms” constitutes an emergency). This should solve the problem one still occasionally sees with tandem brooms juddering from side to side under the force of its riders’ conflicting wills. On the other hand, one can also ride this model solo. With the optional picnic blanket that can be stretched across the gap between the twin shafts, one can even recline comfortably while the Lovers’ Leap purrs through the air.
THE “SUK-E-LUX 26” FAUX-ECLECTIC SKY SWEEPER from Noover & Yorick – ideal for the Muggle-artifact enthusiast in everyone’s family, not to mention the “plus size” specimen who can cause even the stoutest cushioning charm to go flat. Available in standard and bagless models, the Suk-E-Lux 26 trades in the usual unidirectional twigs for a rotating spiral of short bristles and a roaring jet of compressed air. The seat gracefully accomodates the widest bottom, and the model with the bag provides a very embraceable cushion for the timid wizard or witch who are simply too nervous to entrust themselves to invisible forcefields. The cleverest feature is a coil of rubberized cable which acts as a mana collector, constantly recharging those noisy rotors. Plus, in a pinch it can be uncoiled and used to lasso wild hippogriffs and the like. Tally-ho and so on. The only drawback is that the mana collectors only work effectively within a few miles of a concentration of wizardly activity; beyond that radius, a sudden and disastrous loss of power can result.
THE “SQUEAK STREAK 8” from Wet Wipe Enterprises of Bermuda (still a center of concentrated wizarding manufacture, as it has been since a British royal wizard’s fabled exile there in the ninth century) – the latest in a long line of improvements on their original model, which was better known by its popular epithet, the “Crash Splash 0.” This time it really seems those Bermudan wizards have done it, producing a flying window-scrubber with a long enough range to cross the Atlantic non-stop. Attempts to get across the South Pacific are still not recommended, though the sponge side of the scrubber head does inflate into a very luxurious and well-stocked liferaft. It’s the squeegee side that is likely to cause thrills and spills, as it cuts through moisture so efficiently that it can literally slice a cloud in half. As long as you keep wringing out the sponge side, you shouldn’t have the problem that caused the Squeak Streak 6 to be recalled, though the manufacturers have thoughtfully included a Last Will and Testament in the registration form.
THE “SHIVER SLIVER 1,” also from Wet Wipe Enterprises – an attempt to branch out in an unexpected new direction. For wizards who regularly need to fly over a polar ice-cap, here is a long-handled ice scraper / snow-brush that slices right through snow, sleet, freezing rain, and bone-chilling haze. While the wintery elements do their tree-snapping, icy worst, the rider snuggles inside a cozy envelope of warmth that, amazingly, does not thaw any of its surroundings. The hollow shaft pulls apart and snaps back together in different configurations, including a shovel attachment (for flying in extra-heavy snow) and a silver ice-pick with a Yeti-nose-hair core (for performing spells at temperatures below ideal specifications for a regular wand). However, it is already clear that the Shiver Sliver will have to go through several more models before it is quite ready for northern exposure. Clearly, the Bermudan wizards did not anticipate everything that an Arctic or Antarctic flyover might involve. For example, the beverage spout produces iced pumpkin juice, but NOT hot chocolate. I suggest waiting till at least Shiver Sliver 5 before buying!
And finally...THE “GOLDEN SHEAVES” SKY RAKE from Bambi Greene & Sons’ Wizarding Agricultural Applications – a small but growing firm now producing a line of products that are only sold to wizarding farmers whose lands are still surrounded by concealing hedges. By taking low passes over a field (with the proper attachment on the brush end), this sky rake can plough, cultivate, sow, de-pest, harvest, and even clean and separate most crops – though cereals are clearly a specialty. From the people who created the first waterless, windless, self-turning mill-wheel; the self-picking, ripe-berries-only bucket; and the cream-separating, butter-churning, cheese-curing dairy bucket, comes this amazing new flying farm implement that will save a vast number of costly “straight from the stalk to the barn” spells, while also giving young farm-wizards an outlet for the passion for intense boredom that afflicts many wizards at a certain awkward age. After a few passes over the Back 40 on the Golden Sheaves, they’ll never say, “I want to grow up to be a Muggle” again!
If you happen to be in the Hogsmeade area at Broom Show time next year, don’t miss this exhibit of broom novelties. Rumor has it that the Firebolt people are working on a no-bristle concept for next year’s show. Not to be outdone, the Nimbus folks are said to be planning a non-stick entry! Who wouldn’t like to see that?
Bo Dwyer lives in Dorset with his wife Harriet and a collection of vintage brooms. He is a senior correspondent for Broomstick and Wand, and the author of several books, including Why I Never Leave Home Without Spell-O-Tape.[Originally posted 10/30/05]
Monday, December 22, 2008
28. A Break for Station Identification
A Break for Station Identification
The Magic Quill will return in a bit. Until then, hold tight for a moment of station identification and a word from our commercial sponsors!
You are tuned in to the Wizarding Wireless Network, broadcasting at a frequency of 14 zillion spells per second. Heard by listeners in 73 countries and dominions, with and without translating spells. Programming is paid for, in part, by a grant from the Goblin Relations Council, dedicated to improving the public image of goblins, no matter how many galleons it takes. Further support comes from contributions from listeners such as Kermit Strange of Down Minky, who celebrated his one hundred and twelfth birthday on Friday.
Tune in this weekend for the all-Balkan dragon rodeo, hosted by the first voice in wyrm sports, Bob Roastas! Twelve daring young wizards will risk flame, horn, fang, and claw to compete for this year’s title. Only one will win—how many will survive? Don’t miss the roaring, snorting, stamping action from eight to ten Saturday and Sunday!
The members of the Long Soaking Witches’ Auxiliary remind you to contibute your old costume jewelry, knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and lightweight keepsakes that you no longer need to keep, to their ongoing Useless Junk Drive for the Muggle War Effort. Just leave any stuff you won’t miss in an upturned flower-pot on your back doorsill, and a collection broom will come by before dawn tomorrow. As you know, even the most neglected articles accrue a bit of magical virtue after many years in a wizarding home, and the Auxiliary believes a little magical leakage can create a good luck charm for the boys overseas. The poor chaps need all the luck they can get, bless them.
The Chudley Cannons’ Booster Club of Weevilborough and the proprietors of the Double-Ended Newt Inn wish to invite anyone who wishes to join them for a pre-game party on Sunday afternoon, followed by a chance to watch the Cannons’ upcoming match against Pride of Portree on a state-of-the-art, magical magnifying mirror. For the forty-seventh year running, Mr. and Mrs. Lilys Cummings offer a free round of Ogden’s Best Firewhisky to everyone in the house in the event of a Chudley win. Remember, folks, bring a pinch of Floo Powder, because apparating or flying under the influence is no way to travel!
Hey, you. You know I’m talking to you. Do you have any idea what the Magic Quill should write next? Send a short summary of your story idea to the Magic Quill, care of Robbie, thru MuggleNet’s feedback form! [EDIT: Or rather, leave a comment below.] Remember, it can be about anything going on in the wizarding world EXCEPT stuff that may or may not happen in the upcoming Harry Potter books. Robbie is particularly interested in finding out what stories the other characters may have to tell, besides Spanky. Endora is a total mystery at this point. Harvey seems to have a lot going on in the background. Can anyone clue us in?
Have you noticed that hygiene activities take up more and more of your time? Is all the bathing, hand-washing, tooth-scrubbing, shampooing, and deodorizing taking up time that would be better spent degnoming your garden or taking your broomstick for a spin? Now there’s a line of products made just for you! It’s Scads-O-Suds! Yes, friend, there’s no reason why you should have to brush and floss two or three times a day. With Scads-O-Suds Seven-Day, Self-Flossing Whitener, you can have a week of sweet breath, sparkling choppers, and healthy gums without all the brushing! Simply swish a mouthful of Scads-O-Suds in your mouth for thirty seconds, spit and rinse, and Scads-O-Suds will do all the work for you while you enjoy yourself! And why go through a cake of soap every week when you only need to spritz yourself with Scads-O-Suds Full-Body Atomizer? It’s stronger than your pong. A little mist will have you smelling like a rose for a fortnight! And what about all that dirty work in the garden, or the grease in the shed? Sick of getting yelled at because you dirtied Mum’s hand towel when you went inside to wash? No worries! Just rub a little Scads-O-Suds Powdered Glove on your hands, and shake the filth off. Rub your horrid mitts together and behold! Your skin is as baby-smooth and clean as if you had just had a manicure! And finally, wouldn’t you rather go out with the lad than stay at home on Friday night washing your hair? Put on the Scads-O-Suds Thaumacoiffe Nightcap, and it will shampoo, condition, and perfectly arrange your hair while you sleep! Available in straight, curly, crimped, and braided varieties, and your choice of wicked hair colors!
Don’t miss it! This week only, we’re having a zero-down, zero-interest-for-six-months, inventory clearance sale at Ted Murgatroyd’s Used Broom Shed, corner of Diagon Alley and Leroy’s Mews. Choose from the brands you trust, including an impressive collection of low-milage, barely-flown brooms owned by an elderly stalker of the renowned former Holyshead Harpies keeper Veronica Wandwright. The poor fellow had to give them up for bottom dollar when Ms. Wandwright obtained a beak’s order forbidding him to send her anymore presents that had twigs in them. Also, take advantage of the rare savings resulting from the bankruptcy auction of Ms. Livonia Frocksnapper’s Finishing School for Magically Gifted Young Ladies, Britain’s most recent attempt to rival Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which went toes-up after a ninth consecutive year in which there weren’t enough students in the school to field a regulation Quidditch team. Oakshafts! Moontrimmers! Swift Sticks! Shooting Stars! Tinderblasts! Comets! Cleansweeps! Silver Arrows! We even have a few non-Besom-type brooms, enchanted for flying by some of the broom-engineering industry’s most adventurous talents! Beat the crowd. Buy from Murgatroyd’s before the holidays, and we’ll throw in a twig-sharpener free of charge! Now you’re flying!
Next week on WWN, tune in each night at eleven o’clock and hear Nasal Drip’s farewell tour, recorded live at the Hog’s Head! Second only to their smashing Debut Tour last year, this band’s sheer loudness will thrill every nerve ending, and their lyrics will sear your soul! Freak out to such wild songs as “I’m Not Your House Elf,” “Go Put a Hex On Somebody Else This Time,” “Did a Doxy Bite You or Did You Always Look That Way?,” and the Daily Prophet best-selling musical spell of the year, “A Pox On You and the Thestral You Rode In On.” Get your handkerchief out for the soulful ballads, such as “I Thought You Were a Hag Until You Turned Around,” and “Is This Love, or Have I Been Breathing Too Much Mugwort Smoke?” And sing along to their immortal hits, “You Only Love Me The Way a Niffler Would,” “They Snapped My Wand But They Can’t Take My Bagpipes Away,” and “Werewolf Scratch Boogie.” And if you listen to each night’s program, you may hear your name drawn as the winner of one of only fifty free tickets to hear Nasal Drip’s final concert at the Leaky Cauldron, followed by an exclusive one-time offer of a memory charm to help you forget their music.
Finally, before we return to our regularly scheduled program, remember: if you don’t like the Magic Quill, you have a chance to make it better. And if you do like it, you can help keep it going. Send your ideas to Robbie, don’t be shy!
[Originally posted 11/12/04]
The Magic Quill will return in a bit. Until then, hold tight for a moment of station identification and a word from our commercial sponsors!
You are tuned in to the Wizarding Wireless Network, broadcasting at a frequency of 14 zillion spells per second. Heard by listeners in 73 countries and dominions, with and without translating spells. Programming is paid for, in part, by a grant from the Goblin Relations Council, dedicated to improving the public image of goblins, no matter how many galleons it takes. Further support comes from contributions from listeners such as Kermit Strange of Down Minky, who celebrated his one hundred and twelfth birthday on Friday.
Tune in this weekend for the all-Balkan dragon rodeo, hosted by the first voice in wyrm sports, Bob Roastas! Twelve daring young wizards will risk flame, horn, fang, and claw to compete for this year’s title. Only one will win—how many will survive? Don’t miss the roaring, snorting, stamping action from eight to ten Saturday and Sunday!
The members of the Long Soaking Witches’ Auxiliary remind you to contibute your old costume jewelry, knick-knacks, bric-a-brac, and lightweight keepsakes that you no longer need to keep, to their ongoing Useless Junk Drive for the Muggle War Effort. Just leave any stuff you won’t miss in an upturned flower-pot on your back doorsill, and a collection broom will come by before dawn tomorrow. As you know, even the most neglected articles accrue a bit of magical virtue after many years in a wizarding home, and the Auxiliary believes a little magical leakage can create a good luck charm for the boys overseas. The poor chaps need all the luck they can get, bless them.
The Chudley Cannons’ Booster Club of Weevilborough and the proprietors of the Double-Ended Newt Inn wish to invite anyone who wishes to join them for a pre-game party on Sunday afternoon, followed by a chance to watch the Cannons’ upcoming match against Pride of Portree on a state-of-the-art, magical magnifying mirror. For the forty-seventh year running, Mr. and Mrs. Lilys Cummings offer a free round of Ogden’s Best Firewhisky to everyone in the house in the event of a Chudley win. Remember, folks, bring a pinch of Floo Powder, because apparating or flying under the influence is no way to travel!
Hey, you. You know I’m talking to you. Do you have any idea what the Magic Quill should write next? Send a short summary of your story idea to the Magic Quill, care of Robbie, thru MuggleNet’s feedback form! [EDIT: Or rather, leave a comment below.] Remember, it can be about anything going on in the wizarding world EXCEPT stuff that may or may not happen in the upcoming Harry Potter books. Robbie is particularly interested in finding out what stories the other characters may have to tell, besides Spanky. Endora is a total mystery at this point. Harvey seems to have a lot going on in the background. Can anyone clue us in?
Have you noticed that hygiene activities take up more and more of your time? Is all the bathing, hand-washing, tooth-scrubbing, shampooing, and deodorizing taking up time that would be better spent degnoming your garden or taking your broomstick for a spin? Now there’s a line of products made just for you! It’s Scads-O-Suds! Yes, friend, there’s no reason why you should have to brush and floss two or three times a day. With Scads-O-Suds Seven-Day, Self-Flossing Whitener, you can have a week of sweet breath, sparkling choppers, and healthy gums without all the brushing! Simply swish a mouthful of Scads-O-Suds in your mouth for thirty seconds, spit and rinse, and Scads-O-Suds will do all the work for you while you enjoy yourself! And why go through a cake of soap every week when you only need to spritz yourself with Scads-O-Suds Full-Body Atomizer? It’s stronger than your pong. A little mist will have you smelling like a rose for a fortnight! And what about all that dirty work in the garden, or the grease in the shed? Sick of getting yelled at because you dirtied Mum’s hand towel when you went inside to wash? No worries! Just rub a little Scads-O-Suds Powdered Glove on your hands, and shake the filth off. Rub your horrid mitts together and behold! Your skin is as baby-smooth and clean as if you had just had a manicure! And finally, wouldn’t you rather go out with the lad than stay at home on Friday night washing your hair? Put on the Scads-O-Suds Thaumacoiffe Nightcap, and it will shampoo, condition, and perfectly arrange your hair while you sleep! Available in straight, curly, crimped, and braided varieties, and your choice of wicked hair colors!
Don’t miss it! This week only, we’re having a zero-down, zero-interest-for-six-months, inventory clearance sale at Ted Murgatroyd’s Used Broom Shed, corner of Diagon Alley and Leroy’s Mews. Choose from the brands you trust, including an impressive collection of low-milage, barely-flown brooms owned by an elderly stalker of the renowned former Holyshead Harpies keeper Veronica Wandwright. The poor fellow had to give them up for bottom dollar when Ms. Wandwright obtained a beak’s order forbidding him to send her anymore presents that had twigs in them. Also, take advantage of the rare savings resulting from the bankruptcy auction of Ms. Livonia Frocksnapper’s Finishing School for Magically Gifted Young Ladies, Britain’s most recent attempt to rival Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which went toes-up after a ninth consecutive year in which there weren’t enough students in the school to field a regulation Quidditch team. Oakshafts! Moontrimmers! Swift Sticks! Shooting Stars! Tinderblasts! Comets! Cleansweeps! Silver Arrows! We even have a few non-Besom-type brooms, enchanted for flying by some of the broom-engineering industry’s most adventurous talents! Beat the crowd. Buy from Murgatroyd’s before the holidays, and we’ll throw in a twig-sharpener free of charge! Now you’re flying!
Next week on WWN, tune in each night at eleven o’clock and hear Nasal Drip’s farewell tour, recorded live at the Hog’s Head! Second only to their smashing Debut Tour last year, this band’s sheer loudness will thrill every nerve ending, and their lyrics will sear your soul! Freak out to such wild songs as “I’m Not Your House Elf,” “Go Put a Hex On Somebody Else This Time,” “Did a Doxy Bite You or Did You Always Look That Way?,” and the Daily Prophet best-selling musical spell of the year, “A Pox On You and the Thestral You Rode In On.” Get your handkerchief out for the soulful ballads, such as “I Thought You Were a Hag Until You Turned Around,” and “Is This Love, or Have I Been Breathing Too Much Mugwort Smoke?” And sing along to their immortal hits, “You Only Love Me The Way a Niffler Would,” “They Snapped My Wand But They Can’t Take My Bagpipes Away,” and “Werewolf Scratch Boogie.” And if you listen to each night’s program, you may hear your name drawn as the winner of one of only fifty free tickets to hear Nasal Drip’s final concert at the Leaky Cauldron, followed by an exclusive one-time offer of a memory charm to help you forget their music.
Finally, before we return to our regularly scheduled program, remember: if you don’t like the Magic Quill, you have a chance to make it better. And if you do like it, you can help keep it going. Send your ideas to Robbie, don’t be shy!
[Originally posted 11/12/04]
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